So I haven't posted in awhile and I'm not gonna say that its because I've been really busy, cause that would be a lie. The truth is that I didn't know what to say. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately and either I'm mentally ill or I'm just PMS-ing. One minute I'm happy and the next I'm sad. I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's killing me. I'm not a sap don't get me wrong but something just isn't right...
I wrote another poem and it is absolutely beautiful I am so proud of it...
It looks like my book is coming together quite nicely I'm so excited...
Tonight is girls night and we are going to dinner at Sin Igual's i'm so excited we haven't hung out in a very long time and that's mostly my fault because I've gotten so comfortable just sitting around in my comfortable bed inside of my comfortable house in my comfortable neighborhood. lol. I'm not mad.
Not on bit.
I actually love it.
I'm just saying that I've gotten very lazy so its way easier to just lay around and do absolutely nothing than it is to get dressed up and go out...
...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Reflections
My muse has set all around me
Through God's grace now it has found me
Heart content and ready to fly
Out of reach and that's no lie
Excited for the day to begin
My wings are set
Now here I go
1...2...3...
The wind blowing through my hair
No one can touch me here
I may be back in due season
Life is where I want to be
Let me play for you
The scale of my heart
Listen to the chords
As each progression grows
Feel the rhythm of my soul
And let it replace the hole
And the space where my heart should be
The melody of my mind
Blends to the harmony of my body
And I am made One.
Now here I go
Watch me as I flow
Leaving streams of clouds behind me
Can't see now
Makes no difference how
But sing my whispers softly
To feel my crescendo flow
Through God's grace now it has found me
Heart content and ready to fly
Out of reach and that's no lie
Excited for the day to begin
My wings are set
Now here I go
1...2...3...
The wind blowing through my hair
No one can touch me here
I may be back in due season
Life is where I want to be
Let me play for you
The scale of my heart
Listen to the chords
As each progression grows
Feel the rhythm of my soul
And let it replace the hole
And the space where my heart should be
The melody of my mind
Blends to the harmony of my body
And I am made One.
Now here I go
Watch me as I flow
Leaving streams of clouds behind me
Can't see now
Makes no difference how
But sing my whispers softly
To feel my crescendo flow
Take my heart
While unpacking I found a lot of different things that I have written. I am quite the writer. lol. I've decided that I'm gonna share some or all of those things with you. All of them will be titled Reflections and will have a number beside them and they will be intertwined with my regular blogs. So here take my heart and please don't break it unless you really need to.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sitting in the turmoil within
Today is a good day.
Though I'm still unaccomplished I feel really good. Yesterday I took a little walk and cleared my head.
This past weekend I had a lot of things on my mind.
I felt a fire burning within me.
I felt exasperated.
This fire was building up inside me and I felt like if I didn't say anything then I was gonna explode.
I was washed with emotion.
So many at one time I felt like I was drowning in myself.
Turmoil.
Joy.
Sadness.
Excitment.
Depression.
Rage.
And many more.
I just sat around trying to stifle the burning emotions inside of me trying not to let them go.
For I feared that if I tried to let them go they would all go at once just like Pandora's forbidden box.
I looked up.
I looked down.
And at one time I looked all around.
I felt like I was in a crowd surrounded by people but when I looked I saw no one.
What is going on with me? I asked myself through teary eyes.
I felt out of control.
I really need help?
I thought to myself, I need it bad and I need it fast.
If I don't get it I might lose all control.
I cried to God.
I called a friend.
Thoughts ran through my mind.
Is this the end?
I tried to shut my mind away but it just wouldn't leave it really wanted to stay.
Then all of a sudden a rush fell over me.
So I took a nap.
Then 3hrs later when i awoke I felt absolutely amazing...
Woe are the perils of PMS. :)
Though I'm still unaccomplished I feel really good. Yesterday I took a little walk and cleared my head.
This past weekend I had a lot of things on my mind.
I felt a fire burning within me.
I felt exasperated.
This fire was building up inside me and I felt like if I didn't say anything then I was gonna explode.
I was washed with emotion.
So many at one time I felt like I was drowning in myself.
Turmoil.
Joy.
Sadness.
Excitment.
Depression.
Rage.
And many more.
I just sat around trying to stifle the burning emotions inside of me trying not to let them go.
For I feared that if I tried to let them go they would all go at once just like Pandora's forbidden box.
I looked up.
I looked down.
And at one time I looked all around.
I felt like I was in a crowd surrounded by people but when I looked I saw no one.
What is going on with me? I asked myself through teary eyes.
I felt out of control.
I really need help?
I thought to myself, I need it bad and I need it fast.
If I don't get it I might lose all control.
I cried to God.
I called a friend.
Thoughts ran through my mind.
Is this the end?
I tried to shut my mind away but it just wouldn't leave it really wanted to stay.
Then all of a sudden a rush fell over me.
So I took a nap.
Then 3hrs later when i awoke I felt absolutely amazing...
Woe are the perils of PMS. :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Lost in the Ruffle
Have you ever felt like you will never truly amount to anything???
Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like all I will ever be is an unemployed-never having any money-never finishing college-never having all i've ever dreamed or desired-no good-nothing.
I know I know many of you are saying. "But you are able to be so inspiring and give great advice" and some of you may call me a liar.
But..
Am I liar?
No
Am I a hypocrite?
Maybe.
Its always easier to be there for someone else who is in need. Its always easier to be inspiring and help others to get back on their feet and believing in themselves. But its not always easy when that person is you.
You don't want to go spilling your issues on others because you don't want to seem needy or incapable of handling your own problems because then those that you give advice to would think that your words are worthless if you yourself can't live up to your advice. But the fact that I sometimes cannot keep my own head up does not mean that my advice is any less valid.
Its really tough and sometimes just unbearable, and please don't misunderstand me I am not a depressed individual. I'm just confessing my blues. Some days are easy while others are hard and today is just one of those days an unemployed girl goes through.lol. I'm starting to think that maybe I should change the name of this blog to Confessions of an Unemployed 21yr old. I might just do that. WAIT.!!!!!! I'm getting off topic.
The point is I feel like I'm wasting my days and I need to turn it around. I'm should start making a day-to-day itinerary so that I have things to do to keep my mind occupied until I get a job. But for now I guess my dreams will have to wait.
Any Ideas???
Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like all I will ever be is an unemployed-never having any money-never finishing college-never having all i've ever dreamed or desired-no good-nothing.
I know I know many of you are saying. "But you are able to be so inspiring and give great advice" and some of you may call me a liar.
But..
Am I liar?
No
Am I a hypocrite?
Maybe.
Its always easier to be there for someone else who is in need. Its always easier to be inspiring and help others to get back on their feet and believing in themselves. But its not always easy when that person is you.
You don't want to go spilling your issues on others because you don't want to seem needy or incapable of handling your own problems because then those that you give advice to would think that your words are worthless if you yourself can't live up to your advice. But the fact that I sometimes cannot keep my own head up does not mean that my advice is any less valid.
Its really tough and sometimes just unbearable, and please don't misunderstand me I am not a depressed individual. I'm just confessing my blues. Some days are easy while others are hard and today is just one of those days an unemployed girl goes through.lol. I'm starting to think that maybe I should change the name of this blog to Confessions of an Unemployed 21yr old. I might just do that. WAIT.!!!!!! I'm getting off topic.
The point is I feel like I'm wasting my days and I need to turn it around. I'm should start making a day-to-day itinerary so that I have things to do to keep my mind occupied until I get a job. But for now I guess my dreams will have to wait.
Any Ideas???
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Til a Wasteful September
So yesterday I got an earful from my Grandmother. She was going on about how I should be disgusted and shouldn't be happy with where I am in life, and in my mind I'm saying that I'm not excited about where I'm currently at but I'm not emotionally destroyed.
I can't afford to pay more than two bills every two weeks
Bill Breakdown Car note 125.28 bi-weekly
Car insurance 200.00 monthly
Cell phone 100.00 monthly
Rent 540.00 monthly-to be further discussed
Bank Account 400.00-
Gas 40 bi-weekly
Electric 80
---------------------------
Total 1,250.56 monthly excluding bank account
I can't afford to pay to go to iPOP. iPOP is the International Presentation of Performers. It's a casting convention held twice a year where a selected amount get to showcase there talent of acting, modeling, singing, or dancing in front of the top casting directors and agents of the country. Many people that you see on tv (Doug Brochu-Sonny with a Chance and iCarly) and in movies (Josh Duhamel-Transformers and Ashton Kutcher) have been discovered there. I'm scheduled to go in January 2010 to the one in Los Angeles but in order for me to go it will cost $3,900. Unfortunatel I don't have that money and as discussed in the previous post I'm still working on that. In all the excitement of hearing that I was chosen (back when I had a job) I bought the airline tickets, but the airline told me that if I make any changes to the flight then they will charge me $100 and they cannot refund my tickets so right now i've got tickets to go to LA in January but I still don't have the money for iPOP. But still with no luck yet of getting a job or the money to go I have high hopes because I was meant to be something great and to do wonderful things and I know that I will make it to the top.
I can't afford to pay my rent. My rent is $540 a month. Believe me I know "What a Bargain" but now that i'm unemployed its "What a Burden". They are threatening to evict me but even though I have already successfully moved out they were telling me that i'm still gonna be responsible for a 12-month lease. What is a broke and unemployed girl to do???
I bet you're asking "If this is what you can't afford then what can you afford?" I can afford enough groceries to hold me over til the next unemployment check, I can afford to pay two bills each check, and I can afford to buy gas. I think that's about it though, atleast for now anyway. :)
Truth is that stuff happens.Stuff that cannot always be controlled or foreseen. It just happens. I am a 21yr old who is currently unemployed and broke.
I can't afford to pay more than two bills every two weeks
Bill Breakdown Car note 125.28 bi-weekly
Car insurance 200.00 monthly
Cell phone 100.00 monthly
Rent 540.00 monthly-to be further discussed
Bank Account 400.00-
Gas 40 bi-weekly
Electric 80
---------------------------
Total 1,250.56 monthly excluding bank account
I can't afford to pay to go to iPOP. iPOP is the International Presentation of Performers. It's a casting convention held twice a year where a selected amount get to showcase there talent of acting, modeling, singing, or dancing in front of the top casting directors and agents of the country. Many people that you see on tv (Doug Brochu-Sonny with a Chance and iCarly) and in movies (Josh Duhamel-Transformers and Ashton Kutcher) have been discovered there. I'm scheduled to go in January 2010 to the one in Los Angeles but in order for me to go it will cost $3,900. Unfortunatel I don't have that money and as discussed in the previous post I'm still working on that. In all the excitement of hearing that I was chosen (back when I had a job) I bought the airline tickets, but the airline told me that if I make any changes to the flight then they will charge me $100 and they cannot refund my tickets so right now i've got tickets to go to LA in January but I still don't have the money for iPOP. But still with no luck yet of getting a job or the money to go I have high hopes because I was meant to be something great and to do wonderful things and I know that I will make it to the top.
I can't afford to pay my rent. My rent is $540 a month. Believe me I know "What a Bargain" but now that i'm unemployed its "What a Burden". They are threatening to evict me but even though I have already successfully moved out they were telling me that i'm still gonna be responsible for a 12-month lease. What is a broke and unemployed girl to do???
I bet you're asking "If this is what you can't afford then what can you afford?" I can afford enough groceries to hold me over til the next unemployment check, I can afford to pay two bills each check, and I can afford to buy gas. I think that's about it though, atleast for now anyway. :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Half past Happy.
I'm learning as each day passes that maybe my priorities are a little mixed up...
all I can think about is making my dreams come true and how I would give anything to be able to go to iPOP and make it into the big leagues. Pathetic I know but I've already scanned over sure money making ideas in my brain and the following are ones that i've actually tried:
all I can think about is making my dreams come true and how I would give anything to be able to go to iPOP and make it into the big leagues. Pathetic I know but I've already scanned over sure money making ideas in my brain and the following are ones that i've actually tried:
- Calling celebrities to see if they will do a fundraiser or something
- Twittering celebrities to see if they will do a fundraiser or something
- Emailing celebrities to see if they will do a fundraiser or something
- Basically using any form of contact for celebrities to see if they will do a fundraiser or something
- Emailing Oprah and Tyra Banks
- Trying to get a job at my acting school
- Went door to door and even stood outside of Hollywood video for a couple of hours trying to sell raffle tickets
- Walked around different store plazas for three days asking different businesses, stores, and restaurants for sponsorship
I have been trying to get a job for a little over a month and when that didn't seem to work nor did anything else on my list, my mind (or ideas) started to get a little, well... how would you say?... Desperate!!!! Now REMEMBER these were only in my mind for a fraction of a second and were dismissed almost as fast as they came into my mind and left almost as quickly as they came (well some of them did any way).
- Selling my kidneys
- Signing up to be a surrogate mother
- Prostitution (I know, I know) :)
- Playing music and holding out a can on the corner of the street
- Cleaning random people's houses
- Robbing a bank (don't tell me you've never thought about it)
It was starting to get really bad. I was at the point where if I had to starve and use that money for groceries then that was what I wanted to do (the things that we are willing to do to make our dreams come true).
I know what you are thinking. Why not just get a good job? But I've tried and I keep trying but the economy is so bad and there are so many people losing their jobs every day. What else am I supposed to do? What would you do?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Fear of Fear
Some people may say "if you are truly a christian and trust in God then
you should'nt have any fears"
But the truth is that even though I am a christian and I do trust in God I have many fears.
I'm afraid of
you should'nt have any fears"
But the truth is that even though I am a christian and I do trust in God I have many fears.
I'm afraid of
- Frogs
- Spiders
- Roaches
- Actually any and all insects
- Lightning
- Birds
- Flying in an airplane
- Losing myself
- Failing the ones I love
- Wasting my life
- Wasting away in the past
- Not achieving my goals and dreams
- Not reaching my heart's desires
- Losing the ones I love
- Death
- Going to hell
- Things unknown
Although that is all I could come up with for the moment I need to overcome my list of fears. Sometimes it is really hard not to be afraid of anything and almost everything that crosses your path but you got to stand up and conquer your fears because life is way too short for you to live in fear.
2 Timothy 1:7...
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Blog-ero Uno
So right now I'm watching "Earth girls are easy" its an eighties movie with Damon Wayans, Jim Carrey, Jeff Goldblum, and Geena Davis its one of the most unique movies I have ever soon. lol.
Well let me start by saying a little about myself.
I'm 21yrs old
I'm 4 foot 11
And...
In order to learn more you will have to follow me on this journey. I'm not necessary new at this blog thing but I will do my best to be good at it.lol. :)
Well let me start by saying a little about myself.
I'm 21yrs old
I'm 4 foot 11
And...
In order to learn more you will have to follow me on this journey. I'm not necessary new at this blog thing but I will do my best to be good at it.lol. :)
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